Gratitude Journal

 

I am thankful for two little kids who love each other. To pieces. For squeals of laughter bouncing off our walls.

 

I am thankful that he will still be cute even if he has to get glasses someday. Which is highly probable. Even if they are big, round, yellow Harry Potter glasses.

 

I am so thankful for food. Especially steaming hot chocolate chip pancakes.

 

Happy Birthday to me!

Today I turned 43. That sounds old. Thank you to all my friends and family for the birthday wishes! Although my sweet hubby had to go to school and work he did manage to make the day special while he was here. He brought me my favorite store bought chocolate cake with white buttercream frosting because one of my love languages is cake. I even got to open up presents! I can't wait to get started canning with all of my new supplies. I'm hoping the rest of the day will be filled with the happy sounds of two kiddos getting along and absolutely no whining allowed.

One tutu, two tutu, black tutu, pink tutu

When will this child begin to smile naturally for a camera again? Anyhow, you know what's better than one princess skirt? Two princess skirts!

A list of five

1.) I think I've discussed the weight issues of our favorite canine around here. The last time we took him to the vet she strongly urged us to stop giving him treats and scraps unless it was carrots or green beans. She also told me to cut back on the amount of food I give him every day. So we did. For the most part. He really does not like carrots. But he's ok with green beans. Anyway, this dog acts like he is starving all of the time. He follows me around giving me the sad eyes or he just lays around looking depressed. He also steals food off of the kids plates whenever he can. So today we took him back to the vet to weigh him and see if we were feeding him responsibly or slowly starving him to death. And good news! He has lost 4 pounds! And we're feeding him the right amount of food but his stomach just doesn't know it yet. I will say he seemed a bit smug when I told him that he now weighs a pound less than me. But he still turned down my offer of a carrot at snack time.

2.) Mike and I tried to give up wheat for a week for a New Year's torture resolution. I lasted exactly twelve hours. Oh carbs, it is so hard for me to quit you!

3.) This actually happened a couple weeks ago but it is too good not to share. So, Jake woke up one morning and came to give me a hug. But first, he looked me in the eye and said "mama, there's something i just have to tell you." So I said, "okay." And he said, "last night I woke up and I could NOT stop thinking about the candy in my room. So I just got out of bed, got a piece of candy, and ate it right up. I know it was wrong and I'm so sorry that I did that." And I was like, "what's wrong with that?" The boy is so my son.

4.) Yesterday Emma Mae and I got to have lunch with one of my most favorite people on planet Earth. It was mine and Amy's annual birthday get together. I guess most people have birthdays annually. She was nice enough to treat me to a wonderful cheeseburger and fries. And I was nice enough to keep her company I guess. Aquarians rock! Love my Amy. If I was Amy Poehler, she would be my Tina Fey.

5.) Tonight was kind of a hard night. The kids got that thing going where they couldn't possibly clean up their mess from the day. Then when I told them that I would be happy to pick up the toys but that I would keep them for myself they went berserk. There was much crying and sadness. And that was just from me. Anyhow, there is nothing quite so disheartening after a long day of washing dishes (remind me to tell you about that later), doing laundry and encouraging your offspring to pick up every single last toy they got out during the day than to hear a gross noise from the cat. A noise that tells you as you rub the back of the last child waking that kitty has just thrown up all over the kitchen floor. Twice. Thank you and good night.

She's a little runaway

 

 

Isn't he cute? This was taken right before he started marching through the house chanting "mama is a poo poo!" Then after about five minutes of that he said "mama, can you guess what I'm saying right now?" And I was like "um, that mama is a poo poo?" And he said "you just said mama is a poo poo!" It was hilarious. Then Emma Mae looked at me and said "you are not a poo poo mom. you are just a mom and a human." And my self esteem was re-established.

Then the kids took a bath. And when they got out and got their pj's on I told Emma Mae that she needed to pick up all of her toys that were strewn about the house before she could do anything else with her evening. She did not like that one bit. Even though that is our nightly routine around here. She's used to it. But tonight it was just too hard! The toys were too big! Her hands couldn't carry things! And then her legs gave out so all she could do was slide around on the floor.

I knew she was tired so I told her that if she really had no use of her body then she should just go get in bed and I would pick up her toys for her. That caused another melt down because she was afraid I would pick up her toys and take them to the nearest trash can. So then she refused to go to her room which to me is like drawing a line in the sand. Emma sometimes needs to have her will broken. Or else I'm afraid we might end up seeing her someday on an episode of "girls gone wild." To me this was an obedience issue. First, she didn't obey when I told her to pick up her toys. Then she didn't obey again when she refused to go to her room to get in bed. Not obeying is an issue of the heart which I can't ignore.

So began the battle of the wills 2013. I carried little miss to her room and put her in bed with instructions not to get out until morning. She immediately jumped out of the bed and ran out in the hallway screaming that she didn't like me anymore. Shocker! Then she told me that I was not her mommy anymore. That kind of hurt. Then she told me that she was going to find a new home to live in. Really? Then she said that yes, she was going to run away to a different home! That's what she would do. So I remembered a story my sister tells about my niece trying to run away from home at age 4 and I  said "okay." Then she just looked at me. Then she said "mama! I am going to go run away to a different home. and live there forever!" So I said "okay, go ahead and go." Then she said "well how am I supposed to get to another home!?" So I said "I don't know Emma. You're the one running away. You need to work out the details." Then she said "well, if I go away from here you will not survive!" So I tried not to laugh. Then she said it again. "mama! do you hear me? if I leave here you will not survive without me!"

Then we had a stare down in the hallway. I think I heard the theme song from Gun Smoke somewhere in the background. And after a few minutes she said to me "mama! i want your job. I just want to do your job." So I said "baby, I'm the mama, you don't have to be in charge yet." Trust me. I was the youngest kid in our family. I got bossed around all over the place. I've waited a long time to be the one in charge and I'm not about to let a three and a half year old steal my thunder now. So then she came and sat in my lap and calmed down enough for me to put her in bed. Then Jake came and sat in my lap and told me how sorry he was for "being bad" today. So I kissed him and told him that he was a poo poo.

Reindeer games

Today I asked Emma to tell me about her favorite party of the school day. It was playing in the gym. Funny thing is a teacher from a different class happened to be in the gym when Em's class was there and came to tell me about it. Seems little miss Em spent the entire gym time telling everyone what to do and basically trying to keep the little boys in line. This teacher was cracking up because she didn't realize how verbal miss thing has become. She has really come out of her shell the past year.

Emma also told me about her least favorite part of the day. No one would let her sing Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. She was very sad. So I asked her when she was trying to sing Rudolph and she said during rest time. So I told her that during rest time she needs to be quiet so everyone can sleep. It is not the time to be singing Rudolph. So then she told me that those other kids were making all this loud noise and they were not letting her focus on going to sleep. So instead she wanted to sing. Such is life.

Emma Mae got two toys for Christmas that she just loves. Well, she got a lot of things for Christmas that she loves but these two things are tops right now. First, she got a new tea set. She's never had one and she was so excited to get it. If we've had one tea party since Christmas we've had a hundred. They are always very involved with details that crack me up. Like using her blankets as a table cloth, using paper towels as napkins, and most importantly just obeying every command that Emma gives during the party. She is very bossy.

 

 

The second thing is her Doc McStuffins doctor kit. Today she gave me a shot in the ear. Let's hope she doesn't become a real doctor someday because she seems to enjoy a little bit of the torture.

If you give a mama some freedom

This morning Mike kicked me out of the house so I could get another break from the kids. !! You know what?

If you give a mama some time off she's gonna take it. She'll get in her car and drive to Kohl's. She'll be looking for the perfect pair of warm fleecy boots to wear but she'll get distracted by the cute little girls clothes. The little girl clothes will remind her that she has a little girl. So she'll buy some.

Then she'll drive on over to Target. She'll have flashbacks from her post traumatic stress disorder caused by previous trips to Target with the offspring. So she'll make a stop at the Starbucks inside Target to caffeinate and soothe her nerves. I know that sounds counter productive but this is my story okay?

Then she'll trot over to the shoe department to look for those warm fleecy boots again. She'll try on a pair of size 6 tan fleecy boots that are a bit too small. Then she'll try on a pair of size 7 purple fleecy boots that are a bit too big. Then she'll wonder why Target doesn't carry half sizes. Then she'll try on the size 6 and the size 7 again. Then she'll spend the next ten minutes staring at the shelves lamenting the fact that there are no half sizes. Then she'll give up on the boots.

She'll walk past the children's clothes where boys jeans are on sale and she'll remember that she has a boy at home. So she'll buy some. Then she'll see a dead cricket on the floor. Which reminds her that she also has a lizard at home. So she'll drive over to the pet store to buy some crickets.

Then she'll get a call from her hubby asking her where the recipe for the beef and broccoli is at. Which reminds her that it is almost lunch time. So she'll drive home.

Then she'll walk in the house where she sees the children she escaped from for 2 1/2 hours. And they'll squeal and run over to her calling "MAMA!" Then they'll throw their arms around her for a big bear hug. And you know what? If you give a mama a bear hug she's gonna take it.

And after all of that my friend Leslie called to see if it would be a good time to come over. So she and her son came over and spent a couple hours with us. It was so nice! Leslie got to receive several medical check ups from Emma Mae with her new Doc McStuffins doctor kit. We also had a tea party with lots of rules. We had to sit on a pillow. Leslie and I had to wear a necklace. Emma was only serving ordinary plain tea. No flavors. I was so stressed out from all of Emma's orders that I needed a little something slipped in with my tea if you know what I mean. Anyhow, great day and I am still ready to get back to school on Monday.

2013

Hello to another year! Is anyone else out there ready for their children to go back to school? We have had a great Christmas break with much family time. The weather finally turned cold so it feels like winter. But, that also means that the kids can't go out to play and are therefore completely off their rockers. This past week has been spent trying to get them out of the house to get the wiggles out.

We spent the first day of the new year eating way too much food and then decided to take the kids to see a movie. In an actual movie theater. This was only Emma Mae's second time to be allowed in a theater because the first time we took her to one I spent the entire movie in the bathroom and walking around outside with her and her cousins. She did much better this time. We saw Rise of the Guardians and both kids loved it.

On Wednesday I pulled out some coupons and we took the kids to Austin to the children's museum. It was our first trip to this museum also. I've always wanted to take them but have heard from friends how crowded it is. That is no lie. I'm sure it didn't help that school is out and it is too cold to do anything fun outside but we joined half of the population of Austin at the museum that day. Still, it was a really cool place and the kids enjoyed themselves.

On Thursday I took the kids to the pet store to buy a few things and look at animals. Then we went over to Target because that is what we do. Emma Mae had a complete melt down in the check out line. So much so that I had to toss her in the back of the shopping cart to contain her. Which made her really really mad. So mad that she kicked and screamed and yelled loudly enough for all of Target to hear that she "DID NOT WANT TO RIDE IN THE CART!" Also, when I picked her up to put her in the cart she started screaming "OWIE, OWIE, OWIE! YOU HURT MY ARM! I SAID YOU HURT MY ARM MAMA! MAMA? MAMA! I SAID YOU HURT MY ARM MAMA!" It was a fine moment. She was still screaming in the parking lot on our way out to the car and an older gentleman was behind us. He was trying to be cute or funny or I don't know what he was trying to be when he said "well, I guess we'll be telling daddy about this when he gets home tonight won't we?" And you know what? I did tell Mike about it when he got home at 10:30 because I was still mad.

So today, my wonderful hubby declared it "daddy and kiddo day" and he took our beloved progeny out of our house at 9:30 this morning and did not return them until almost 2pm. It was a much needed break. I managed to go through both kids rooms and the playroom and throw away a bunch of junk and collected a boxful of toys they don't use anymore. Everything is organized and that makes me happy. We ended the day with some pizza and a movie. I love those kiddos but I am ready for all of us to get back to more of a routine on Monday.

Goodbye 2012

Ugh. I've gotten so bad about updating the blog. I think I'll mainly post pictures to fill you in on the end of 2012. Happy New Year! Trail of lights in smalltown, USA. My photo. skills are amazing.

 

Christmas Eve 2012. We left out mint chocolate brownie bites for Santa this year instead of cookies.

 

 

 

New recipe this Christmas was buttermilk cranberry breakfast cake. Must have Christmas recipe is my mama's cheerio pie.

 

 

I took the kids to my parents house the day after Christmas. Cheryl and her family came too. Amarillo had a white Christmas this year so my dad and Tom and Katie helped the kids make snowmen. Then Katie showed them how to dye your snowman with food coloring.

 

 

 

 

 

All I want for Christmas is some sleep

You ever have one of those days where all you want to do is take a nap? Even a power nap would do. Just 20 little minutes. Well, today was one of those days. Allergies are killing me right now. Last night to soothe a sore throat I made the mistake of brewing up some Earl Gray tea and had a cup around 8 pm. So even though I didn't feel good the caffeine from the tea kept me awake until 2am. Partner that fact with a wake up time of 7:30 this morning and I really needed a nap around 3 o'clock today.

Our children no longer nap. Napping is for babies. So in order for me to get a nap I need some cooperation from the offspring. I gave them the option of playing quietly in their bedrooms or watching a show quietly in the playroom. They chose the latter. So, I put on a Christmas show that lasted one hour. I told them that I was sick and needed some rest. I made them promise to be quiet until the show was over. Then I headed for the couch in the living room.

3:05pm-Lay down on the couch. Spread green blanket over myself. Close my eyes. Long sigh of relief.

3:08pm-Hear wailing and crying coming from playroom. Raise my voice just enough to tell children to get quiet and get along or they would be banished to their bedrooms. Close eyes. Long sigh of relief.

3:10pm-Begin dreaming of Scooby Doo. Don't ask me why.

3:15pm-Hear loud crash from playroom of cascading plastic pieces. Loudly ask the question "Who just did that?" No answer. Reiterate that I am sick and they better be quiet so I can sleep. Close eyes. Long sigh of exasperation.

3:18pm-Again with the loud crashing cascading plastic. Throw green blanket off. Get up and head to playroom. Again with the question "Who did that?" Found culprit surrounded by a pile of legos. Strongly suggested to the children that they remain quiet from here on out so mommy could get some rest. Appealed to their sense of reason. When they are sick they like to sleep. So does mommy. If mommy kept them awake they would be mad. So is mommy.

3:20pm-Head back to couch. Put green blanket back over me. Long, long sigh. Close eyes. Start to dream of children that take naps. Feel something being placed on my chest. Open my eyes to see Jake's new larger than life Shamu sitting on top of me. Really? Hear giggles and feet running back to playroom.

3:21pm-Close my eyes again. Pray for sleep. Pray for children who obey. Long sigh.

3:23pm-Starting to drift off again. Begin to feel like someone (other than Shamu) is watching me. Hear breathing right in my ear. Feel a pair of eyes boring into my closed eye lids. Decide to ignore intruder. Keep my eyes closed. Feel another set of eyes. Smaller ones I think. Four eyes peering at me, willing me to wake up. Play dead.

3:25pm-Hear patter of feet heading back to the playroom. It worked! It totally worked! Keep eyes closed. Long sigh. So excited that I am about to take a nap.

3:30pm-Screaming from the playroom. Something about Jake not doing something the way Emma Mae wants him to do it. I don't know. Are you freaking kidding me right now? Throw off the blanket. Get off the couch and huff my way to the playroom. Look at offspring and ask them why they hate me so much. Am told that they don't hate me. They love me. Ask why they won't let me sleep when I'm sick if they love me so much. Little girl tells me it is because she just needs to be with me.

3:31pm-Give up on nap. Curl up on playroom floor with little boy and even littler girl and watch Olive the other Reindeer. Good times.

Gingerbread and things

On Tuesday my sister and niece came over after school to watch the kids so Mike and I could go out for awhile. It was a much needed break. We went to Torchy's Tacos to eat and then saw a movie. The new James Bond movie. Both the tacos and the movie were good. There's a part of me that always feels like I'm doing something wrong when we go out without the kids though. How long is that gonna last?

The kids had all sorts of fun with Cheryl and Katie. They went out to eat pizza at Schlotzsky's. Then they came home and decorated gingerbread ornaments. Jake made a whole family to put on the tree. They were going to make gingerbread cookies too but I think they ran out of time. Or attention span. Who knows. So the kids and I busted out the dough yesterday to bake the cookies. We made a few Christmas trees and stars too. Our gingerbread doesn't believe in shape discrimination.

Other than that we have been hanging at the house the last few days as one or all of us keep getting sick. Jake is having the best time playing with all of his new birthday toys.

If only he could experience the joy of sharing and let his little sister play with them too! Poor thing, this morning I found her playing with the laundry basket and some of her stuffed animals.

Sick Days

You may remember that Jake spent his entire birthday week sick with the flu. So it was no huge surprise when Emma Mae woke up with a fever yesterday morning and complained of having a headache. We immediately thought flu and rearranged plans for the day. I told her she would have to stay home from school and she seemed very relieved. I thought she would be disappointed to miss her last day of school before the Christmas break-and the Christmas party they were going to have.

Instead she sat crying at the kitchen table because she was so stressed out about the food choices at her Christmas party. She said, and I quote, "there's gonna be too much food choices at that party and it will be too confusing to me. I can't handle it!" Oh, little girl. If the food choices at a three year old Christmas party are too much to handle then I hate to think about your future in high school. There are many confusing times to come.

Anyhow. Back to the flu. Fortunately, Mike didn't have to be at school so he was able to stay home with Em while I went to work. He took her to the doctor and they did both a flu test and a strep test on her. Both came back negative. However, since the dr. just knew it was flu they gave her a prescription for Tamiflu. So, off they went to fill the prescription. Mike gave her the first dose of medicine right before I got home and then he went to work.

Not fifteen minutes later, Emma Mae was puking all over me and herself and the living room rug. I told Mike about it later and he informed me that the pharmacist warned him it might upset her tummy. Useful information. Little girl took a nap and ran fever the rest of the day.

But this morning, lo and behold, she woke up perfectly fine. And so far she has remained fine! So either her body has a fantastic immune system that is able to kick flu's butt in less than 24 hours or she never actually had the flu. I, however, have developed both a runny, stuffy nose and pink eye in the last six hours. I would take some medicine for it but there are just too many choices for medication out there. And I just can't handle it.

I'm having a hard time with December 14th. I'm having a hard time because twenty sets of parents lost a child in a senseless act of violence on that day. Yet, that day is one of the happiest of my life because it is the day that Jacob Michael Flinn finally decided to enter the world six years ago. As soon as I heard that the kids who died were all six or seven years old I knew I couldn't walk away from this one. Too close. I know a six year old. He runs through our house. He defeats bad guys. He makes videos of his toys doing nothing while he sings songs about them. He tells jokes that don't make sense but we laugh at them anyway. He trips his little sister on purpose then tells me it's an accident. He buys his little sister presents. He needs to play by himself in his room sometimes for privacy. He needs to sit right next to me on the couch sometimes to make sure I'm still there for him. I know what six looks like-as does this blogger who says it better than I could. http://jrowewalters.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/what-six-looks-like/

I haven't watched much of the television coverage of that awful event. I can't seem to handle it. I cry. I feel defeated. I feel broken. And if I (who still has my six year old) feel that way then how do I fathom what those parents feel? I can't. Grief is a tide. I imagine those parents are drowning in a high tide right now. I imagine emotion is so overwhelming that lungs are burning. Eyes are blurry. Minds uncomprehending. Existing moment to moment. Trying to make it through one more hour. Waiting. Waiting for the tide to roll out again. To be able to take a breath. But then low tide comes and lays bare everything that the high tide had buried. Treasures. A favorite toy. A picture. A memory. Low tide scrapes away rocks and peels away layers of sediment and shifts things around. Low tide leaves scars.

We turn off the TV if the kids are in the room because we don't want them to know about what happened. At six, would Jake even understand? Of course not. I'm 43 and I don't understand. After he got on the bus this morning I had a small panic attack about whether or not he would hear something from an older child or teacher today. If he did, he didn't mention it. That's the beauty of six. You still get to be a bit oblivious to life.

Except what if you are one of the six year olds who survived? I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that scenario. How does a normal six year old process something so completely abnormal in their world? How do you watch your teacher get killed and come out okay? These are the children that need our prayers.

I really believe that prayer is the only answer here. A return to God. Sure, maybe stricter gun control laws or better screening and treatment for mentally ill people would help too. But nothing trumps prayer. And if you can't get behind God then maybe you can get behind what He stands for. Compassion. Love.