Death of a Salesman

I really thought the door to door salesman had gone the way of the dinosaur. You know, extinct and all. Is this really a relevant profession anymore what with actual stores you can go to and cars you can use to drive you to those stores? Not to mention online shopping people. Who doesn't like sitting in their pj's in December buying Christmas gifts online? It's the best! Isn't that why Biff what's his name killed himself in "Death of a Salesman?" Yes, I'm pretty sure that online shopping killed Biff. My literary prowess is amazing. But all I'm trying to say is, we don't need door to door salespeople anymore. I'm sorry, but it's true. If this is your life's dream then I'm begging you to find a new one. Perhaps something in the health care industry.

Anyhoo, some of you may remember our trouble a few months back with the Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman. Well, let me just tell you that a week after Emma was born, I was introduced to the Eco Orange cleaner salesman. His name was Carl and he made me long for the Kirby guy again. Actually, I don't even know if that's the real name of the product. But I do know it had orange in it and it was some sort of house cleaning product. And I'm sure the guy's name was Carl.

These are the facts and they cannot be disputed. Carl showed up at our door when Emma was like five days old during the hours of 1 to 3pm. Do ya'll know what those hours are? Yes, those are nap time hours for people with small children. He rang the doorbell of all things! Who would do that during nap time?! The doorbell triggers a Pavlovian response in our dog that just cannot be unlearned. The barking! It's unreal. I literally have to grab Brady by the collar and throw him in the bathroom whenever someone comes to our door.

So, I've got two sleeping kids which is a miracle because 1.) Jake didn't fight me on nap time that day, and 2.) They were both asleep at the same time. The doorbell rings causing the dog to bark at the top of his lungs which causes me to bust a move to the door to stop all the racket before someone wakes up. If you are recovering from a c-section, you should never bust a move. It hurt.

When I opened the door and saw Carl there with his bottle of cleaner in hand I have to say I was just mad. But I let him ramble on a couple minutes about what a great product he had going on. Then I saw him unscrew the top from the bottle and take it off so he could lick the little sucker tube thingy inside. That's right. He licked it. To show me that this product was perfectly safe to have around kids and pets. Well, what a relief! I've been looking for cleansers that are also safe for snack time.

I politely told Carl that I wasn't interested in buying his cleaning product and that I had two sleeping kids in the house who were trying to take naps right then. He said, "Oh, I understand" while he was pulling out a black sharpie from his pocket to WRITE ON OUR FRONT DOOR WITH. So that he could show me his product can take black sharpie off of doors. Again, what a relief. Now I can make my shopping lists on the front door. At this point I had to ask Carl to leave. It was very reminiscent of the Kirby guy. And like the Kirby guy, Carl declined my offer. So instead of asking him again, I told him to leave. Carl actually stepped closer to the door like he was going to come inside and while I was slamming the door in his face I heard him saying "See that huge stain on your carpet?" Um, yes, that's the stain that the Kirby guy never got out of our carpet the last time he stopped by. Goodbye, Carl.