What not to wear

Although I had officially decided not to buy a new swimsuit this year, I saw a cute one in an ad for Kohl's and went shopping anyway. After much looking around I decided they don't make swimsuits for anyone in the age range of 30 to 60. And definitely not for anyone who has every carried another human being in their belly for nine months. Everything was either very skimpy or very floral. I decided to do some bra shopping instead. The only way I can stay halfway cool in this heat is to wear shirts with thin straps or sundresses. This completely contradicts my rule about baring my ridiculously large upper arms. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. Anyway, to wear such apparel properly you need the right kind of bra. Up until now, I've been making do with my strapless bra I wore at our wedding. It actually had adhesive strips that stuck to my skin on the side rather than any sort of back closure. Needless to say, I ran out of the adhesive long ago. So, I've been using duct tape. It really is the magical fixer upper. However, I ran across a problem with it in church the other day. Ridiculously hot weather combined with playing with babies in the church nursery can seriously inhibit the effectiveness of the sticking power of duct tape. (It is duct and not duck, right?) Anyhow, let's just say I had to excuse myself from my volunteer duties for a few minutes while I went to the restroom to try to fix things.


Back to the bra shopping. While I was in the dressing room trying things on I noticed someone go by the room I was in and I thought I saw the top of that person's head and the eyes attached to it looking in on me. I was a little shocked, but then I heard what sounded like an older woman taking a young girl into the room next to me. I guessed she was just peeking in my room to see if it was occupied. But, really? Next time, just look for feet under the door. Those are the rules.

Speaking of rules, I believe one rule that should never be broken in intimate apparel dressing rooms across America is that men are not allowed. A few minutes after the "eyes" incident, I heard an older man's voice right by my door asking "Flo" if the 36C was working or did little girl need a different size. First, let me just say "yuck". PaPaw, what are you doing looking at bras for your daughter or granddaughter? That is a mama's job alone. The next thing I knew, this man was resting his arm on the top of the door of my dressing room. Clearly, another broken rule. Are there really people out there who are not aware of proper dressing room etiquette? Maybe he thought my room was vacant. Again, I say feet people. Check for feet.

The next five minutes were complete torture for me as Flo and PaPaw discussed the merits of each of the bras this poor girl was trying on. I was trying to get dressed as fast as possible without calling any attention to myself for fear of PaPaw peeking over the door at me. Who knows? Maybe he could have given me some helpful advice too.