I have no poise

Yesterday I went to HEB to buy groceries. After I checked out, the cashier handed me my receipt and asked if I needed anything else. I said "no thank you" and started wheeling my cart away.

Just then the cashier pulled a coupon out of the register and shouted "wait! you can go these right now if you want because with this coupon they will be totally free!" I was all "Score!" I couldn't wait to see what I was going to get.

It was a coupon for Poise pads. She told me very loudly what it was for and I told her in a very hushed voice that I didn't need them. She was all "Ohh, but they're free! Are you sure you don't want to go get them?" And I told her "no, I'm sorry but I don't use those." And then I ran out of the store. I was afraid if I didn't get out of there quickly I might find myself in a cloud of confettie falling down from the ceiling surrounded by overly joyous employees clapping and shouting that I was a free pad winner. And then I would have had to curl up on the floor and pretend to be a speed bump or something until every single person left the store.

This was mortifying on so many levels. First, unless you are my BFF don't talk to me about sanitary pads. And please don't announce to everyone in my aisle and the two aisles beside me that I just won a free box of them.

There are certain things that I am not comfortable talking about and pads is one of them. I also do not like for anyone to say the word panties around me. It creeps me out. Emma Mae does not wear panties now, she wears undies. Okay? Unless you are my mama and then you can say that word because I've already lived 41 years cringing every time it comes up. But my mama is the only one who can get away with it!

Secondly, when I got home I took a closer look at the coupon that I had shoved in my purse on my way out. Poise pads are actually for people with minor bladder leakage. Now, look. I'm not saying I've never had that problem because during pregnancy I sure did. And sometimes a select few individuals have made me laugh so hard that leakage occurred. But on the whole, I am fine in this area for now. Is there something about the way I look that made her think I would really appreciate a free box of these things??

Now I'm nervous to go back to HEB. I'm worried about what other free coupons might be lurking in those cash registers. What if I get one for wart removal or mustache bleaching or (heaven forbid) free panties?