Must. Get. Sleep.

It has been approximately 15 months since I had a good, solid night's sleep. I'm pretty sure this sleep deprivation is the cause of many of my mental problems. By mental problems I mean that I can't remember even the simplest of things anymore. I walk into rooms without knowing why, fail to remember the name of our baby, wash my hair multiple times in the shower because I can't remember if I've already done it. Things like that. It all started when I found out I was pregnant and I stayed up half the night that first week worrying about everything from health insurance, to college tuition, to whether or not this child would love animals as much as I do. Once the worrying about the future was under control I lost control of my bladder. So, then I was up four or five or six times a night to go to the bathroom and maybe have a snack while I was at it. I really could not wait for Jake to be born if for no other reason than to finally get a good nights sleep. Now, I'm not completely stupid. I knew that it would be a few weeks before he would sleep for long periods of time. But, I was just dreaming about all of the sleep I would get once he settled into a routine.

He is SUCH a good baby. He's been sleeping through the night (10 to 11 hours) since he was around five months old. It took about three nights of exhaustive "sleep training camp" to reach that point. But I remember telling myself at 4am while I lay on the couch reading People magazine trying not to run upstairs to comfort our sad, tired, screaming baby that it would all be worth it in the long run. And it was worth it. For Jake anyway. He sleeps just fine now. I, on the other hand, was trained to wake up four or five times a night and even when I no longer had a baby crying during the night I still woke up! No amount of tossing and turning, counting sheep, or Tylenol PM could get me back to sleep. I am also a very light sleeper meaning I wake up at every little noise I hear. So when Brady our 105 pound horse, I mean dog, bumps into the bed while getting into a more comfortable position, I wake up. When he snores I wake up. When he licks himself incessently I wake up. When he drinks our of the toilet bowl I wake up. You get the picture, right?

And then there's the cat. Zoe. She is surely the devil in a cute, furry disguise. Zoe is a nocturnal animal meaning she likes to be active at night time. I am NOT a nocturnal animal, meaning I don't like to be active at night time. And Zoe doesn't like being up by herself. She wants a playmate. Here's where I come in. She likes to jump in bed with us around 3am and gently wake me up to play. She starts off by softly patting me on the head with her little clawless paws. I can ignore that okay. What I can't ignore is when she bites me on the nose. This happens on a nightly basis. I will be dreaming of dolphins or the ocean or babies or Rick Springfield when I am rudely awakened by sharp teeth digging into my nose. Yes, I knock her off the bed but she can jump back up. And then things really get nasty.

You may ask why don't they just lock the cat and the dog out of the bedroom at night? Oh, gentle readers, if only it were that simple. You see, our dog is a very sensitive soul. If we lock him out of the bedroom, away from us, he has massive anxiety attacks. Resulting in throwing up and pooping uncontrollably all over the carpet. If we put him out in the backyard at night, he will reserve his anxiety attack until we let him back in the next day and then resume the pooping and the puking in the house. It is not nice. As for Zoe, did I mention she is the devil? Locking her out of the bedroom is an option. But then instead of waking me up at 3am, she wakes up Jake at 3am and then we have the whole crying baby thing all over again. What's a girl to do?